Hidden Fees.

You know what really gets me going? Hidden Fees. That's right, the extra two and half dollars here, the four dollars there. Honestly, why do banks need five dollars each month to maintain my online bank account? They're turning around and lending my money to others and profiting from it. Why, then, is there need for three/four/five dollars to maintain the account? What maintaining is there? The money is just sitting there, doing nothing, minding it's own business. It wasn't out all night on the town, coming home smelling of booze and cigarettes with lipstick on it's collar. It shouldn't be harmed. 
How would the banks feel if I started charging it ten dollars each month to hold my money? "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm going to need ten dollars extra this month. It is essential to the maintenance of my account with you. It's really costing me to give you my money each month."
The reason I got started with this whole bit is from booking airline tickets. "Bargain airlines" like Ryan Air and Easy Jet advertise cheap fares. You're supposedly getting what you paid for. You're herded through the airport like cattle and it's general admission on the plane (think Southwest pre-assigned seats). All this is tolerable because of, like I mentioned, the fares. Often selling for 10 pounds or less, you're excited to be paying so little to fly to great destinations all over the European Union.
Well, at least you think you're paying very little. The airlines have adopted the hidden fair policy. As your plane ticket price goes down, the taxes on that seat exponentially rise. For a 1 pound seat (yes, I paid two dollars for a seat), I'm paying roughly thirty pounds of tax (sixty dollars). That's only one way. Coming back, it's usually a little higher per seat (I've shopped all airlines these past few days. I know which airline flies where the cheapest. I can get you from London to Bratislava, Lisbon, Canary Islands, and even Marseilles on the cheapest airline). Coming back it's about ten pounds, but the tax goes down to twenty one pounds (forty four dollars). So basically, every seat you fly, no matter where you go, it's going to be between thirty and thirty five pounds one way.
Okay, great. Thanks hidden tax, you're awesome. But then, they keep getting at you. How about traveler's insurance for five pounds each way? What? No! Oh, you're going to check baggage? That'll be five pounds per bag. What?? NO!! They fit so many fees in.
Okay. Finally, they give you a subtotal and total. Sweet. What credit card would you like to pay with? They've got everyone under the sun, including Diner's and JBC (how considerate, catering to the Asian crowd like that). Oh, but wait, you're charged five pounds for a credit card processing fee. Out of all the fees I have ever paid, this one gets me the most. I was cussing up a storm. You're only allowed to pay with credit card, but they're charging you five dollars for doing so. Does anyone else see anything wrong with this? I am going bananas. This is horrible.
So by the time I'm done, I'm paying up to seventy five dollars for a plane ticket. When I did this, I left for a while to walk the outrage off. The Man, yet again, had gotten the best of me. ARG!! But it gets worse. Coming back online, I happen over to British Airways, and see that they're selling tickets to my desired destination for a lovely 53 pounds all inclusive. WHAT?! Ugh, I was forced to leave again. Hidden fees, yet again, had gotten the best of me. The Man, more than ever, is really getting at me.
I wonder if The Man treats Matt Damon like this? Probably not. I bet The Man and Matt Damon are on the same side. But then again, I bet Matt Damon had to pay several hidden fees to even become Matt Damon. How much do you think he was charged for playing Linus in Ocean's Thirteen? Once can only guess.

Dear Hidden Fees,
You haven't gotten the best of me. I will ruin you.
Regards,
Jonathan.
x.

Comments

[JBelle]

uttering profane exclamations ('Logger Poetry') in frustration?

How unlike our family.

Forget about this. Buy a ticket to whereever you want, let me know how much, and I"ll put the goddamned money in your account. Bottom line: it's only money. It just doesn't matter. And when your dad and I retire to subsidized housing that Catholic Church owns maintained for the poor, have us over once in a while. And for God's sake, do not buy us a headstone, but rather take our grandchildren to Disneyland, one more time.

xoxox:)

[JBelle]

and by the way, how the hell else to pay for an airline ticket you buy online???

i'm just sure the British Government is completely open to people paying cash for tickets! positive!

[Southwark Lad]

If they were to tell me up front YOUR TICKET WILL COST THIS MUCH: XXX I'd have no problem with that. It's not that I'm cheap, it's the 'oh, by the way, and one more thing, and in case you didn't forget' types of things that are annoying.

After thought: Don't write anything after drinking a venti drip from Starbucks. The blood pressure is already a little too high. ;)

[ivyann]

dude, thatàs lame, but not as lame as the keyboard situation in this italian internet cafe. when there are 3 symbols on a key, but only one sort of shift key---HOW_ HOW_ i canàt even get to the question mark...

[Sara]

That's funny - I love hidden fees! No accounting for taste, I guess.

[green libertarian]

Jon, chill man, did you go off your meds again? Not good, even at Crimbo time.

Pay heed to what your lovely mama says... sage advice that.